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UNLICENSED INTERNET CAFE WRITING VIDEO SIDES
FEATURES
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OPINION
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INTERVIEWS
SHOWREEL
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COMMERCIAL
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EDITORIAL
DESIGN
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MEMES
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MISC
UNLICENSED INTERNET CAFE

LONDON | ONLINE

OPEN 0:00 TO 23:59

EVERY DAY

THE CHEF

Tristan ‘Stan’ Cross is a professional content chef and internet restaurateur.

He is trained in multiple media culinary disciplines and has served in various kitchen positions, including writer, editor, video producer, creative, strategist and consultant.

He also ill-advisedly built this website himself, so if it fucks up and doesn't work for you, it's entirely his own fault. Unless you're using Internet Explorer. In which case, it's actually yours.

REVIEWS

"The meme king"
The Guardian

"A writer"
NME

"A writer"
The Metro

"A writer"
The Independent

"A writer"
i-D

"A writer"
The i

"Pub regular"
News Shopper

"Drinker"
Daily Mail

"A Twitter profile"
Rolling Stone

"reasonable to work with"
Oobah Butler

SATISFIED CUSTOMERS

Stan Cross' catering has been served in numerous online pop-ups, including:

The Guardian
WIRED
Tribune
VICE
BBC Three
Dazed
The Face
Huck
Red Bull
FourFourTwo
ShortList
Comedy Central

Do not hesitate to enquire about specific dietary requirements or off-menu requests. We cater to all.

CONTACT

WE ACCEPT











AUTHENTIC WELSH CUISINE
FEATURES ● OPINION ● INTERVIEWS
HOT TAKES
WRITING
WRITING WRITING WRITING WRITING WRITING WRITING
WRITING
FEATURES / COMMENT / PROFILES

WRITING

FEATURES
I recreated my local pub in VR
(20)
A traditional, hearty, Irish stew. Unable to drink in my beloved Skehan's during coronavirus quarantine, I learned various 3D disciplines to recreate its taste and texture in VR. That scene in Ratatouille, where the critic takes a solitary bite of his meal and finds himself transported, away from the misery of today, towards leaving his most cherished memories as if they were fresh and anew? That, sort of.
On the US election trail in American Truck Simulator
(20)
A nutritious truckstop snack. I drove the breadth of the United States in American Truck Simulator, transcending the political bubble (and travel restrictions) to interview the Americans I encountered about the issues that mattered to them as they drove around the long, lonely roads of a virtual representation of their home.
Pro scouts faithfully added me to Football Manager
(17)
Fusion dish. Piping hot wish-fulfilment paired with a cold dose of reality. Football Manager's scouts brutally assessed our office kickabout and added us as players within their database, to see how our idle daydreams would likely fare in the Premier League.
The future of television
(18)
Mouthwatering taster menu of 16 fresh concepts for original TV shows that don't yet exist but should (and will), based on the secret formula behind all TV and pitched to Channel 5 and MTV's hungry-yet-discerning commissioning editors. Bon appetit.
Cryptocurrency is doomed
(18)
Chef spent a month blindly investing in crypto-currency and ended up, albeit entirely accidentally, stumbling across an ancient recipe for tasty profits, and then lost it all. Irresistibly moreish investment opportunities, balanced with a hint of an extremely fragile crypto-market about to turn sour.
The story of Wales at Euro 2016
(16)
The Stan Cross signature dish. A steaming hot longread on the eternal years of hurt spent supporting Wales, drizzled in lashings of sugary sentimentality for the first summer in living memory that they weren't shit. A wildly patriotic account of the tournament, best enjoyed paired with a big swig of ill-advised hopefulness.

Full Tournament Edition
+5,000 extra gushing words.
Could the London Riots happen again?
(16)
Shot: living in a post-2011 riots Britain. Chaser: this sobering investigation into whether the conditions and context which led to them have undergone any tangible change, or if they're still simmering beneath.
I Automated Love Island And It Broke
(18)
Experimenting with Heston-esque molecular gastronomy, Chef made his own version of the popular reality dating show in meticulous detail within The Sims. Randy avatars and digital pheromones, stewed in a house together for weeks, to see if it's possible to become invested in any and all romantic narratives, even if they don't exist.
How to accurately predict The Apprentice winner before a second has aired
(18)
We scoured the candidates' social media activity for the finest divination ingredients and created a potent tea leaf broth which laid bare the inner workings of the series, successfully predicting both finalists and a host of other firings to the exact week. Take the findings home in a doggy bag and reheat them yourself next series for delicious betting wins.
What it's like to be made a national scapegoat
(18)
A palette cleanser for any appetite that wants to apportion blame for sporting failure to one individual, collecting the thoughts of sports psychologists, medium-rare scapegoats Rob Green and Stuart Pearce, and an attempt to analyse how this tendency manifests outside football.
We need to talk about the way mental health is talked about
(17)
A five-course mini-essay meal attempting to critique various accepted axioms, ideas and frameworks that seem to dominate and dictate acceptable discussion of mental health.
OPINION
The Public
(20)
Are being set up to shoulder blame for the government's mishandling of the pandemic. 🌶🌶
Millennials x Zoomers
(20)
We need a coalition that puts aside our generational conflict for our shared interests. 🌶
The Tory COVID-19 response
(20)
Is neoliberalism protecting itself. 🌶🌶
The Good Landlord
(19)
Is a myth. They do not exist. 🌶🌶🌶
Private Schools
(19)
Are as much about parents paying for the disadvantage of other children as they are the advantage of their own. 🌶🌶
Climate Justice
(19)
Cannot be allowed to become codified as 'middle class'.🌶🌶
Free school meals
(17)
Universal provision be treated as an incontrovertible good, regardless of economic outcomes. 🌶🌶
Food Anhedonia
(18)
Prevents me from enjoying the experience of eating. (The article inspiration behind the frankly depraved decision to theme this site like a restaurant menu.) 🌶
Social Media Likes
(19)
Are dying and it's a symptom of a society slowly becoming aware its hierarchical ordering might be 'extremely unhealthy'. 🌶
The Inbetweeners
(18)
Could 'still be made today', but it shouldn't, and there's no need to. 🌶🌶
Jamie Oliver
(18)
And a solution to obesity that essentially boils down to: starving the poor. 🌶🌶
Get A House For Free
(18)
An unintentionally important programme at highlighting the pervesity of Britain's housing market. 🌶
Politicised Tragedy
(17)
Is vital, even if it makes us uncomfortable. Nothing happens in a vacuum. 🌶🌶








INTERVIEWS & PROFILES
Nilufer Yanya
(19)
A profile of the soon-to-be-everywhere musician and her dystopian sci-fi debut album, which satirises the surge in brands capitalising on collective health anxieties.
Jerkcurb
(19)
Jerkcurb makes surreal music filled with longing for a Americana that doesn't exist, but you wish could. Was really stoked to be able to profile him, because he rules.
MT Hadley
(19)
Interviewed sadlad troubadour and joyful miserabilist Martin 'MT' Hadley, ahead of his extremely good debut album.
Limmy
(17)
Had a massive laugh with eternal funnyman Brian 'Limond' Limmy... about chronic ill mental health! Haha.
Goldie Lookin Chain
(17)
The pilot of the deserves-to-be-commissioned-properly 'Pints With...' series, Shortlist's would-be equivalent to the 'FT Lunch.'
Arsene Wenger
(18)
A collection of mini-essays on a manager who attempted to use football as a means to express a collectivist ideal, and for a decade very nearly succeeded, and then for a decade tragically, heroically failed
James O'Brien
(18)
A frank chat with the LBC phone-in pugilist-in-chief about Britain's self image, professional opinion providers and no-platforming the far right.
Neville Southall
(17)
Earnest admiration for Big Nev's unwavering Twitter commitment to progressive issues and inspiringly open intellectual curiosity (pre-'adult baby takeover-gate'.)
Elon Musk
(18)
The least cool billionaire to ever live. And fair play to him.

WRITING
SINCE 1991
SHOWREEL ● EDITORIAL● COMMERCIAL
SHOWREEL ● COMMERCIAL ● EDITORIAL

VIDEO

ANIMATION ● MGFX ● SCRIPTWRITING

VIDEO

SHOWREEL
STAN CROSS SHOWREEL
(10-14)
Traditional special. Before content, Stan Cross was originally trained in cinematography and screenwriting at Royal Holloway University of London. This selection platter is drawn from the narrative short films that came out of that time.
EDITORIAL
Hedd Wyn: The Space We Leave Behind
(22)
A modern spin on an old Welsh classic; I made a short film for BBC Wales exploring the increasingly folkloric legacy of the pacifist martyr Hedd Wyn, a personal hero of mine.
Ten Years Of Tories
(19)
Working with Momentum's renowned propaganda kitchen, I wrote, directed and edited a political broadcast, celebrating a whole decade of living under Tory rule. Starring: Steve Coogan, Josie Long, Liam Williams, Lolly Adefope, Fern Brady, Yanis Varoufakis, Tez Ilyas, Oobah Butler, Ash Sarkar, Owen Jones and the Rhythm Method, with music from Brian Eno(!?)
The Virtual Pub
(20)
Side dish, best paired with this article about recreating a local pub in VR. A quarantine 'Zoom drinks', brought to life inside Unreal Engine using mocap and hints of animation.
Chunky Mark's Magic Money Tree
(17)
The late noughteens. Remember them? 'Grime For Corbyn'? Brexit? Two General Elections? The Artist Taxi Driver? Remember?
In Defence Of Diving
(17)
Edited and animated a Sam Diss soliloquy on the joys of cheating.
In Defence of Fosters
(17)
This might seem like sponcon, but my old colleague Dave Fawbert simply really liked Fosters, which imho, tastes like pish - but I enjoy animating, so here's his impassioned rant.
Kanye On Dragon's Den
(16)
I've done faceswaps you wouldn't believe. Arsene Wenger in Gordon Ramsay's kitchen, Jeremy Corbyn channelling the spirit of Kevin Keegan, Joe Biden reciting Alex Turner at his inaugaration. All of those memes' numbers have been lost to time, like tears in the rain. This one, from when I was first learning the trade, remains an enduring personal favourite.
COMMERCIAL
GAME
(18)
Guest special. Produced the creative concept for GAME's 2018 national TV ad campaign: 'Trade More, Spend Less', as part of ShortList Family.

VICE X TWITTER
(19)
Wrote the scripts for 'The VICE Guide To Being An Adult', a nutritious series of sponsored content for Twitter's video service aimed at getting those damn millennials and their younger Gen-Z cohort to understand being alive.

VICE X SKY Q
(19)
Served up even more hot scripted sponcon for VICE's 'Watch This' series, all about the tastiest damn shows on offer in Sky Q's streaming buffet.




VIDEO
FREE DELIVERY 24/7
DESIGN ● MEMES ● MISC
WEB DESIGN
GRAPHIC DESIGN
MEMES
DRINKS
MISC
SIDES

SIDES

WEB & GRAPHIC DESIGN
BLINK INDUSTRIES
(22)
Designed, modelled, animated and built a website which contains a load of russian doll minisites for the production studio Blink Industries.
REVENANT EARTH
(22)
Designed and developed the site for the music publicity company Revenant Earth; a procedurally generated galaxy populated by the contents of a CMS.
MATT WINNING
(22)
Designed and developed an interactive browser dystopia for climate scientist-slash-comedian Matt Winning.
MEGAN NOLAN
(21)
Designed and developed the website for Europe's premier columnist and author; Megan Nolan.
HOW TO BULLSHIT YOUR WAY TO NUMBER ONE
(19)
I designed the covers for Oobah Butler's debut book 'How To Bullshit Your Way To Number One', which has - aptly - gone on to become a USA Today, LA Times and Barnes & Noble #1 Bestseller. And fair play to it.
MEMES
The Transformative Power of Cinema
(16-18)
A recurring meme.
Hugh Jackman
(17)
ADRs EastEnders.
Cats (2019)
(19)
The alternative trailer for the upcoming and in-no-way deeply unsettling Andrew Lloyd Webber movie. Looks good, imo.
Richard Spencer's Ibiza residency
(17)
Fash bashing megamix.
Porky Parry X Hans Zimmer
(18)
The cinammon challenge.
Chris Evans' Top Gear Highlights
(16)
A comprehensive supercut.
Rejected John Lewis Christmas Ads
(13-19)
Every year I write a script for the John Lewis Christmas ad, and every year they don't use it.
Inside The Triopoly of Football Video Games
(18)
Talked to the assembled bods of FIFA, Pro Evo, Football Manager and the best-of-the-rest indie developers to find out how you can make a billon bucks every season.
The Illustrated Bad Sex Awards
(15)
Took to MS Paint to render the nominated passages as the authors no doubt intended.
Neoliberal Robin Hood
(19)
How the idea of a parasitic ‘middle-class’ is invoked to undermine collectivism, public services and universal provision
Flip Off These 17 Historical Bastards
(15)
The most cathartic game online.
DRINKS
Local Beer
(21)
Tailored specifically to you.
Lager, Lager, Lager, Lager
(17)
Sometimes cider.
Craft 4 Beer
(19)
One paid Stan Cross commission = one pint for Stan Cross. Sometimes more.





SIDES